I explained to my therapist that It felt like I was being chased by sadness, it felt to me like every time I would sit down to rest or, when I would do anything that didn’t require actual thought is when it crept up from behind. I would find the busier I was, the less it could catch up to me, but I had to sleep, Sadness would be waiting for me in my bed, and it would be handing me my towel as I got out of the shower. Sadness was never going to leave me alone until I dealt with it.
I told my therapist that I didn’t have time to deal with this, I had a son to raise, a business to grow, and a full life I wanted to live. She told me to make time or at the very least, come back to it. She changed my life with that simple truth.
This may sound weird but if sadness started creeping in, at a moment that felt inconvenient, I would say “Hello Sadness, I understand you need me to acknowledge something in this moment and I am grateful, let’s save this for bedtime so that my son can have a fun day”. Now this didn’t always work but it did for the most part. Putting a little sob session on the calendar works for me because of how my brain is wired. I’m not suggesting that to you unless you know the source of your pain. Mine was heartbreak. I mention this because there is sadness and then there is depression, seeing a professional would help you to discern the difference because this does affect your motherhood journey.
I try to be mindful that there is a balance between allowing Max to see emotion so he can learn normalcy around it and not becoming a basket case to the point where he doesn’t feel safe or protected by an emotionally regulated adult. That’s very important to me.
Becoming a single mother in the way I did, was not how I saw this thing going, being so lonely wasn’t how I expected to feel at my age. But when grief and heartbreak enter the picture, all bets are off. And even with my natural always sunny disposition, life got super sad.
The photo above was of me on my birthday, Maxwell finished singing me happy birthday, and I cried myself to sleep after this.
There are so many other things to feel your way through as a single mom, here are a few things I’ve learned about moving through them with grace.
The first step in navigating sadness is to acknowledge and honor your emotions. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or overwhelmed. Allow yourself the space and time(even if you have to come back to it) to grieve the loss of your relationship and the life you envisioned. Remember, your emotions are valid, and it’s important to permit yourself to feel them fully.
It’s also crucial to lean on your support network, people who can offer understanding, empathy, and encouragement. Don’t hesitate to ask for help when needed, especially when all you need is simply someone to listen. I’ve learned the hard way that my life would have been easier if I had asked for help when I needed it. For me, it’s literally a trauma response to not ask for help. That’s a whole notha blog post.
It’s easy to neglect your own needs while focusing on the well-being of your child, or children. However, self-care is essential for your physical, emotional, and mental health. Make time for activities that nourish your soul, whether it’s taking a bubble bath, going for a walk in nature, or practicing mindfulness meditation. Remember, by taking care of yourself, you’ll be better equipped to show up to your emotions with kindness.
I don’t know about you but maintaining a sense of structure provides stability and comfort for me and Max. During times of upheaval establishing a daily schedule that includes regular mealtimes, bedtime routines, and activities helps with the anxiety that likes to antagonize my sadness. Consistency and predictability can help alleviate stress and create a sense of security for you and your child’s emotional state.
While it’s natural to dwell on the past and lament the things you cannot change, try to focus on what you can control in the present moment. Set small, achievable goals for yourself and your kids, whether it’s finishing a new book, enrolling your kid in extracurricular activities, or exploring new hobbies together. It’s hard to be sad watching your little one playing baseball, or soccer, or spending a whole weekend dedicated to watching all the Marvel films in order.
Navigating single motherhood through the lens of sadness is undoubtedly a challenging journey, but it’s also an opportunity for growth, healing, and transformation. By acknowledging your emotions, seeking support, prioritizing self-care, creating a routine, focusing on what you can control, and practicing gratitude, you can find strength and resilience amid adversity. Remember, you are not alone, and with time and perseverance, you will emerge from this season of sadness stronger, wiser, and more empowered than ever before.
Also, there is no shame in getting professional help. So during my very fruitful spiritual journey, I thought I was fine, My now therapist was working with my son and us as a family and she pulled me aside to ask me if I’d like to see her, just me. I told her I was ok, but she looked at me and told me she saw sadness in my eyes and that it’s ok to need someone to talk to. So I have been. I love her, she’s the best thing that’s happened to Max and me on our journey to wholeness.
My wish for you all who have read this is that you have access to yourselves in ways you never allowed before. I love you.
xoxo Tera
